The world rearranges itself in response to death.
In the wake of my mom’s passing, the universe has rearranged and offered up this precious tidbit. A memory stored away for the perfect moment.
The world rearranges itself in response to death.
I was 14 when Avril Lavigne’s album Let Go came out.
The hits from it, Complicated & Skater Boi followed me to college where my bestie and I scream-sung the lyrics as we straightened our hair and bundled up to find the party in cold Boston streets alit with college kid ruckus.
One time, drunk, we skipped through Fenway Park joyously shrieking:
‘why’d you have to go and make things so compli — cay —ted,
You’re watching your back
Like you can’t relax
You try to be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me — — — — ‘
Our friends lagging behind, likely rolling their eyes at our usual antics. I can still feel the momentum of those skips and her arm looped in mine.
Over the 15 years since, Avril Lavigne’s songs have played just enough that each time feels like more than chance and instead a sign from the universe — a sign of connection, remembrance and a subtle wink from those jovial moments.
This morning I’m on the treadmill at the Orange Theory in Missoula. I’m just kicking into gear when Skater Boi comes on. First, like usual my mind goes to Sarah. Ah, I owe her a call back, I think as the usual images of our car rides and Boston escapades wash over me.
But then my eyes well up and I’m brought back to my mom.
I’m standing in my teenage bedroom and carefully listening to the lyrics of Skater Boi. The day before my mom had humored me, agreeing to play my Avril CD while driving. I turned to Skater Boi, eager to show I’d upgraded from the boy bands she’d abhorred and would rarely let stain our serene music-free drives.
We listen to Skater Boi and she says she had a feeling from the beginning. She knew how the song would end.
‘He’s just a boy
And I’m just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
We are in love
Haven’t you heard
How we rock each other’s world’
I’m nearly embarrassed. This song I like so much and somehow I’d never actually listened to those lyrics. I didn’t know Averil was with Skater Boi, but my mom did. She knew how the story would go.
In the wake of my mom’s passing, the universe has rearranged and offered up this precious tidbit. A memory stored away for the perfect moment.
My eyes silently well as I glance over at Kevin running on the treadmill beside me. He’s no Skater Boi, but finding each other feels equally improbable and destined. The steps so irreplicable, so impossible to orchestrate, and all so beautifully perfect with the grace of hindsight.
My mom never got to meet Kevin. She can’t help us plan our wedding, or be in the family photos.
To her, Kevin was only the mountain man who reminded me what it was to sleep on the earth and live without the dirt and bustle of cities. An aberration, there for a summer, sandwiched between my ‘real life’ in concrete jungles. A summer that left seeds that would remain underground, only to sprout after her departure.
And without her departure would they sprouted at all? Would the conditions be right? Would the cracks in my heart be big enough to let this love in? This is a question that pains me, as I’d like to imagine a world where I have them both….
I have no answer. So for today, I just hope that like with Skater Boi, she knows how the story goes and like an aberration, is here for it in her own way.