On missing Thursdays
What I've been doing instead.
I have barely been on Substack the last two months.
I’ve let biweekly Thursdays pass without so much as a note. I’m sorry.
I’ve moved through the initial waves of guilt and failure at this lapse, and sunk into something more palatable—I am shifting in sweet recognition of the present moment. I can live with that. I can even stand firmly and feel good about it.
There is beauty in consistency and discipline. There is also beauty in being responsive to ever shifting realities within and around us.
Years ago, I did a values exercise with a mentor. It was focused on values around work. I knew purpose was near the top of my list, but to my surprise flexibility and freedom also vied for the top spot.
I am letting myself live these value. I am letting it be OK. I move in seasons and I want my writing and my presence here to be from the heart. Not forced into compliance for the sake of subscriber algorithms.
Clark fork river this week. No sound as I was talking to a friend when I took this.
Here’s a glimpse into what I’ve been enjoying these last couple of months, while my pen has been silent:
Resting. I’ve needed more rest recently. I’ve let it be OK to do less. To relax on the couch after work, to simplify, to not push so much.
Reading. I’ve lost myself in fantasy, mostly. The Empyrean series by Rebecca Yarros. It’s been a good escape and an appreciated reprieve. I’m also listening to Pleasure Activism: the Politics of Feeling Good written and narrated by adrienne maree brown. I got part-way through a couple years ago and this time I’m reading with a couple of friends/colleagues as contemplation for a possible project. I felt lots of resistance to get started, but now I’m finally back in and the reward is delicious. It feels like an interesting juxtaposition to Yarros. The experience of getting lost in a fantasy is pleasurable, but also feels somewhat surface level, and afterward I don’t always feel great. Reading Pleasure Activism feels deeply grounding, nourishing and joyously appropriate for the moment. I’ve needed both these experiences, and plan to continue tuning into what feels good when.
Strolling: I’ve so loved early morning walks around the neighborhood. Missoula is nicknamed “Garden City” (though not the only one–a beloved neighborhood in Cairo comes to mind….). I’ve so enjoyed strolling through the streets by myself, with my Love, or a friend and breathing in the many, constantly changing blooms. Right now the peonies are in full force. Growing up, my mom planted a garden of only peonies right outside our kitchen window. I think of her with each full bloom.
Researching: It was about two years after my mom’s death that I woke up (like literally, one morning) with a strong conviction to learn more about my ancestry. My mom’s story, mine, everything that was, had been, and was coming—it all felt so much bigger than our individual choices. I began to learn more about my matriarchal line; it felt like a way to piece together the past and make more conscious choices moving forward. Recently, I’ve started to pick up where I left off, this time expanding my focus to build out other lines too.
Working: My day job is working with nonprofits, foundations and other mission-first organizations. I mostly support with learning and program evaluation. I help them answer questions like: What is our intended impact for the community? Are we fulfilling it? How can we adjust and do better? Despite the massive political turmoil in spaces I work in such as public health and diversity equity and inclusion, I’ve had an uptick in projects that are keeping me busy. The work is fulfilling and I am grateful to have it.
Gardening: I can lose myself for hours just pulling weeds. Sometimes combined with an audiobook, sometimes I purposely listen to nothing and stay present in the physical activity, or let my mind wander where it will. I find all three are nourishing in different ways. I’m currently in the midst of the most bountiful strawberry season I’ve experienced. Each morning this week I go out and pick, sometimes eating them right from the stem, others adding to my yogurt or freezing for smoothies. Honeysuckle is in full swing, weaving its way through the patio railings, leading to a constant cacophony of bees solely focused on sucking nectar. And the raspberries, oh my. It’s going to be quite a season.
Standing in the river: The Clark Fork River is magnificent. Three days in a row I found myself wading in, letting the cool water contrast with the hot sun on my skin. I was feeling antsy earlier in the week. My mood shifted after my first foray into the cool water. Don’t underestimate the power of water.
Share your thoughts? What are you enjoying this summer? What is shifting for you? Are you heading the shifts, and adjusting? How do you feel about discipline versus adaptability?
What’s next? I don’t know. I’m not making any promises right now, other than I’ll be back when the timing is right. I have a lot more to say about family, ancestry, the ways it shapes us, often without our full recognition. Back in 2021, I was working on a memoir that weaved these ideas together from a feminist perspective. I want to go back to it, and yet, it doesn’t feel like a process that can be rushed. I may be writing it my whole life. It’s not really about me, and yet, I can feel how each stage of my life allows me to see the stories from a different angle, and how that adds richness to the tapestry of understanding.
Xoxox
Lily