Forgive from your body, not just your mind.

Sometimes we intellectually forgive, but our body is not on board. Is there a distinction between forgiving from our body versus our mind, and how can we align both?

Last weekend I attended a workshop called ‘Sacred Flame.’ It was a couples workshop at a local center. To my dismay, much of the workshop consisted of a series of journaling exercises. I wanted to move, dance, and play with my sweetie. Not sit still to journal. Resistance reared its head. Yet, we were there because we were intrigued, plus loved and trusted the facilitators, so despite my resistance I gave it a go.

The prompts encouraged me to explore my purpose and my passions.

As I wrote, the resistance was overrun by truths, I had known, but not yet put to words.

“My purpose is …to come full circle. Being raised where the intellect was primary and I wasn’t seen for other parts of me — going on this journey and proving my intellect, and now surrendering my intellect back to the heart.

How do I do that? Where is this showing up in my life? Where am I relying on intellect vs. heart?”

I landed on forgiveness.

Forgiveness has been a topic on my mind for months now. As I plan my wedding, there are challenging family patterns I must confront. I started the process determined to put them behind me. It’s time to let it go. I would invite everyone. I would not let what was when I was 13 create fresh conflict as I enter a new union. A union I hope will break patterns for me and the next generation to follow.

All well and good, however when I stared at the names on my guest list, as I pictured the events unfolding, it felt off. My forgiveness felt untrue. I pictured my body stiffening for the perfunctory hug. A part of me on guard, hoping the immeasurable love from many would drown my lingering suspicions and the tenseness I felt when confronted what despite my desires, remains imperfectly healed.

At the beginning of my wedding planning, the decision to let my grievances go had been intellectual, made from the head.

It hadn’t been the first time I’d made that very decision.

I’ve tried for years.

It’s like using willpower — or constant effort. It’s wearing clothes that don’t quite fit. A masquerade when longing to show your true colors. There’s constant risk of breaking through the charade. Cracks may appear and at any moment the whole act may be overrun or burst to pieces, revealing a very different inclination underneath.

Forgiving may be easy to do intellectually, or in the form of an action, such as stating ‘I’m sorry’ as we’ve been dutifully taught since childhood.

Yet, when I return to the places and when I see the people, I can’t deny the way my body tenses up, the way my words, which usually flow, come out stilted, stifled less formed. The way I impulsively dim my own lights, just slightly. My nervous system is not yet at ease. My body, despite whatever intentions I hold goes into a survival state.

The reason is I can’t forgive and make peace from my head, I must forgive from my heart and my body. My body, as it makes clear, has not yet forgotten, and has not forgiven.

Forgiveness is something to be embodied, not intellectualized. It must be true in our bodies, in our cells, in our beings.

And yet, writing about it — this very insight — IS intellectual in nature. It’s a start — it’s a realization that how I (and maybe you?) were trying so long to forgive doesn’t work.

Back at the couples workshop, I let the feelings wash over me. I feel my heart beat. I feel the held hurt, the sadness, the grief, still there.

My mind cannot make something true for my body, but it can support it.

I decide with my mind, to give my body space and time to continue processing and healing in the ways it does best.

I can go to acupuncture, or massage.

I can dance.

I can cry.

I can sit in stillness and feel. Really feel.

I can check-in with sensations.

I can move my body without consciously checking in with my mind.

I can use herbs that work with my body on physical, emotional and spiritual levels.

I can go to more workshops that ask me to take the space to grapple with my own resistance.

I can go at the pace of my body, naming the destination with my mind, and using my body’s wisdom and timing to make the journey.

How does your body forgive? Have you noticed the distinction between intellectual forgiveness and full-body forgiveness?